We're Doomed! An Arms Race With the Sun

Since the dawn of time man has longed to destroy the sun.

In a little known essay by an omnipotent professor the final cataclysm of the sun and solar system has been deemed inevitable. As flame wrapped gaseous tendrils flare out from our seemingly distant star reach out to touch us, the atmosphere will burn brighter than human eyes could ever have imagined. Those who gaze into the sky to see its approach will see nothing further. The barrage continuing, bursts of light will lick at the dark side of the planet turning night to day as the sun's gaseous magma reaches beyond our little mud ball we call Earth into the rest of the solar system.

Two flares, maybe three will wipe the whole of mankind from the face of the Earth — excepting those protected for a few short days in bunkers deep within the Earth's crust. In kind, the trees, the atmosphere and nearly all plant and animal life as we know it will cease to exist. But who will thrive? Someone, something, must surly benefit, if even for a short time from this change in climate. Lo, deep in the ocean, amongst white hot gaps of colliding tectonic plates wee microbial organisms that call this climate home will thrive. The ocean will heat to boiling temperatures and at long last the little guys will feel at ease drifting amongst the torrid worldwide currents where all other life has ceased to exist. But this too will be short-lived, for their aquatic atmosphere will soon burn away as ours did previously. Atop the scorched landscape the ever-present cockroach will scurry from beneath rocks (in cooler moments) devouring the scorched remains of Earth's inhabitants. They too will thrive for a short time more. Human waste, both nuclear and municipal, will no longer be of issue. Carbon emissions no longer a concern. And green house theory will give way to sun-torching reality. Assuredly some will scream this is not to be so even as their flesh blasts from their bones.

Back to my initial point, 'what the hell does this have to do with mankind wanting to destroy the sun?' It has everything to do with mankind! First we were the physical center of the universe, which the surly sun didn't much care for I might add. Then we signed a treaty of sorts with the sun (treaty finally acknowledged by our Catholic friends in 1992) and moved Earth aside by a few miles to orbit the sun; with the caveat we would remain the industrial and intellectual center of the universe. The sun is still not quite settled on the debate, and neither are we apparently.

Further provoking the sun, a few select humans have traveled beyond our blue island to the pervasive sea of black lorded by the sun — this in clear disregard of the territorial framework laid out in the aforementioned treaty. Man's rockets have discarded their crap towards the fiery mouth of Mr. Sun and our "scientists" are even contemplating starting an arms war with the ol' curmudgeon! As if a few "test fires" of our piddly rockets into the moon will actually scare the sun into thinking we can trump him in such a war. At the first hint of attack the sun will surely tisk-tisk us shaking his fiery head, yawn for a moment, and with a reach of his mighty arm our oceans will boil.

Mankind's eternal campaign to destroy the sun has gone too far. It's time we step back, stop the bickering and face up to the fact we are not the center of the universe. Your urban hummers will not protect you, people! Please write your local congresswoman/man now and demand we cease any and all association or involvement with the worldwide anti-sun campaign (you'll find them here and here).